My Financial Career

He walked into the bank with fifty-six dollars. He walked out with fifty-six dollars. It was the worst day of his life.

B1 · B2 · phrase: my brain froze

The story

I have always been afraid of banks. The clerks make me nervous. The counters make me nervous. The moment I walk into a bank and try to do anything with money, my brain simply stops working.

Unfortunately, I had a problem. My salary had gone up to fifty dollars a month, and I had saved fifty-six dollars. At the time, that felt like serious money. I couldn't carry it around in my pocket forever. So I told myself: adults put their money in banks.

This was my first mistake.

I walked in as quietly as I could. There were clerks everywhere, sitting behind their counters, calmly doing important-looking things. For some reason I believed that if you wanted to open an account, you had to speak to the manager. So I went up to a clerk and said, in the most serious voice I could manage, "Can I see the manager?"

Then, for no reason at all, I added: "Alone."

The clerk's face changed. "Certainly, sir," he said, and went to find him.

At this point I could still have escaped. I did not.

The manager appeared. He was calm and perfectly dressed. I had fifty-six dollars crushed into a sweaty ball in my pocket. "Are you the manager?" I asked. He said yes. Obviously he was. But my brain had stopped working again, so I asked whether I could speak to him alone.

Now he looked worried. He led me into a private office and locked the door.

"We won't be interrupted here," he said. "Please, sit down."

We sat. We stared at each other. I had forgotten how to speak.

Finally he leaned forward. "You're from the police, I suppose?"

A normal person would have laughed. I said, "No. I'm not from the police." Which made me sound even more suspicious. "Actually, I'm not a detective at all. I've come to open a bank account. I plan to keep all my money in this bank."

His expression changed again. Now he seemed to think I was extremely rich — perhaps the son of a millionaire.

"A large account, I suppose?"

I lowered my voice. "Fairly large. I'd like to deposit fifty-six dollars today, and fifty dollars every month."

The manager stood up, opened the door, and called across the bank, much louder than necessary: "Mr Montgomery! This gentleman would like to open an account. He is depositing fifty-six dollars."

Everyone turned to look.

"Good morning, sir."

So much for my fortune.

I stood up and tried to leave calmly. There were two doors: one back into the bank, and one huge iron door standing open beside the office. I chose the iron door, said "Good morning" politely, and walked straight into the bank vault.

The manager stared at me. "Come out." That was all he said.

At the counter I pulled the money from my pocket. By now it was a tight little ball. I pushed it across and said, "Here. Deposit it." The clerk took it and gave me a form. Then another form. Then a book to sign. People told me where to write my name, the amount, my signature. It felt like the whole bank was watching.

"Is it deposited?"

"Yes, sir."

I had done it. My money was safely in the bank — for about thirty seconds.

Because now I needed six dollars for everyday spending. They gave me a chequebook and explained how to fill out a cheque. My hands were shaking. My brain froze. But somehow I wrote it, and pushed it across the counter.

The clerk looked down. Then at me. Then back at the cheque.

"Sir… are you taking out all of it?"

I looked at what I had written. I wanted six dollars. I had written fifty-six.

All I had to say was: "Sorry. I made a mistake." Five simple words.

Instead, I looked around. Several clerks had stopped working. They were watching me. And something inside me broke.

"Yes," I said.

"The entire amount?"

"Yes."

"You're not going to deposit anything else?"

"Never."

If I acted angry, I thought, perhaps they would believe I was taking my money out on purpose. Perhaps they would think the bank had offended me. Perhaps they would think I was a rich man with a terrible temper. So I tried to look furious. I probably just looked ill.

"How would you like it?" the clerk asked.

"What?"

"How would you like the money?"

My brain searched desperately for an intelligent answer.

"In fifties," I said.

So he gave me one fifty-dollar bill. Then he looked at the remaining six dollars.

"And the six?"

And I said: "In sixes."

There are no six-dollar bills.

He gave me the six dollars in normal money. I grabbed it, turned, and ran. And just as the heavy door closed behind me, I heard it. Not one person laughing. The entire bank.

That was the end of my financial career. Since that day I have avoided banks whenever possible. I keep my spending money in my pocket, and my savings somewhere safer.

In a sock.
Is this good financial advice?

Absolutely not.

But at least a sock has never asked me how I’d like my six dollars.

And if you’ve ever made one tiny mistake…

panicked…

and somehow turned it into a complete disaster…

congratulations.

You’re definitely not alone.

Adapted from "My Financial Career" by Stephen Leacock (1910).

Words worth keeping

• my brain froze — I suddenly couldn't think clearly. In the story: "My hands were shaking. My brain froze." — "The interviewer asked why I wanted the job, and my brain froze."

• on purpose — you meant to do it; it wasn't an accident. In the story, he wanted the staff to think he was taking his money out on purpose — but it was a mistake. — "Did you leave your phone here on purpose, or did you forget it?"

• every cent — all of your money, with nothing left. In the story: "You're taking out all your money?" "Every cent." — "She spent every cent she had on the flight home."

Words you’ll need

clerk

a person who works behind the counter in a bank

the clerk took the money

deposit

put money into a bank

deposit fifty-six dollars

vault

a very secure room where a bank keeps money

he walked into the bank vault

cheque

a paper form used to take money out

he filled out a cheque

take out

remove money from your account

take out six dollars

Full vocabulary list 39 words & phrases

Everything worth knowing from this story, in the order you meet it. The five words above are the ones you really need; these are here if you want them.

Feelings

nervous

worried or uncomfortable

embarrassed

uncomfortable because you think you look foolish

embarrassing

describes the situation that makes you feel this way

suspicious

making someone think something may be wrong

furious

extremely angry

a terrible temper

a tendency to become angry very easily

to offend someone

to make someone feel angry or upset

In the bank

clerk

a person who works behind the counter in a bank

counter

the long desk where bank staff serve customers

manager

the person responsible for the bank or office

vault

a very secure room where a bank keeps money

bank account

a place at a bank where your money is kept

form

a document where you write information

signature

your name written in your own special way

chequebook

a book of paper forms used to pay or take out money

to fill out a cheque

to write the necessary information on a cheque

Money

salary

money you are paid regularly for your work

to save money

to keep money instead of spending it

to deposit money

to put money into a bank account

to take out money

to remove money from your bank account

amount

a quantity of money

the entire amount

all of it, with nothing left

bill

a piece of paper money

spending money

money you keep for everyday things

fortune

a large amount of money

fairly large

quite large

millionaire

someone who has at least a million pounds or dollars

The misunderstanding

alone

without other people

crime

an illegal act

the police

people whose job is to prevent and investigate crime

detective

someone whose job is to investigate crimes

to escape

to get away from somewhere

Phrases

my brain froze

I suddenly couldn’t think clearly

my brain stopped working

I became too nervous to think properly

on purpose

intentionally; not by accident

every cent

all of your money, with nothing left

to admit a mistake

to say openly that you made a mistake

I could still have escaped

I still had a chance to leave — and didn’t take it

something inside me broke

I reached a point where I couldn’t cope normally any more

Test yourself

Five quick questions on My Financial Career.

Score: 0 / 5 Start again

Before you go

This one's really about the moment after a small mistake — when admitting it feels harder than hiding it, even though hiding it costs far more.

When did you last stay quiet about a small mistake, and watch it grow?

Tell me in the comments on YouTube